i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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