just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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