I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize