why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Randomize
