Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
