first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
