I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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