I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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