Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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