Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
