Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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