Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
