thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
