mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
