Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
