She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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