I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
