OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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