I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
