Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
