I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Hippo gnu deer
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
