you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
