She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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