Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
