He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
