It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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