how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
