May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
