I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
