so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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