i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
it was like eating out sand paper
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
