Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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