How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
