If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
