Too much gin, very little bucket
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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