you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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