i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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