I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
