It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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