Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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