I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I did not marry a roomba.
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