how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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