he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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