apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
