there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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