just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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