Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
