i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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