You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
They are going to name an STD after you.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
