evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
His hands were made for my vagina.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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