I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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