We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Is Oprah even human
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
