If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize