How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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