Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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