that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
