i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
