my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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