I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
