i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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