Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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